


Her Secret

by hamanthekhan



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: Angst, F/F, NSFW
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-03
Updated: 2015-10-10
Packaged: 2018-04-24 13:17:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4921099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamanthekhan/pseuds/hamanthekhan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She is older than me, she is my friend, she is in love and I don’t want her.</p><p>I want her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Her Secret

**Author's Note:**

> This has adult themes. If you are not ready for that then here is as far as you go. Everyone else, please enjoy.

## Her Secret 

 

I saw them that night.

I had forgotten my scarf and told everyone to go ahead without me, we were already close to the train station but I couldn’t leave my New Year’s gift behind, my mother had put a lot of thought into it. I was sure to miss that train but after the walk to and from the apartment I would be right on time for the next.

I knocked to be polite. A doorbell ringing late at night was rude.

No answer.

Being friends all nine of us knew where one or the other had a spare key tucked away. Though I’d only seen Nico use it once I had remembered. The lights had been shut off. The large sliding door to the balcony let moonbeams in to illuminate the floor and provide the only light source. I wanted to call out as I slid my shoes off but it had been an extremely long day with both vocal training and dance practice followed by an energetic night of games. It was better to not wake anyone up just to watch me put on a scarf.

I quietly shuffled over to the kotatsu and looked atop it, the scarf was not there. I looked under it, not there either and on the small couch. It just was not there. I stood thinking of where it may of gone. A smile sprang up unbidden as I remembered a particularly crass comment riling Umi and her using my scarf as a weapon, snapping it at Nico’s back as she retreated into the master bedroom.  

I quietly continued my search in that direction.

The door was slightly ajar the bed clearly in view. No one was sleeping.  

Partially unclothed, head tilted towards the ceiling with her mouth agape, Nozomi was leaned back against her headboard. My hand flew over my mouth, my eyes grew wide, and I felt my body flush all over. Her ample bosoms were bouncing up and down, as if possessed I inched closer to the door, soft sounds were now audible. Little moans, deep sighs, and panting huffs all with her undeniable accent but her voice was different. Deeper and… I don’t know, but it made my heart thump erratically in my chest. It was so loud in my ears I thought they’d hear me.

What was I doing? I didn’t know but I knew I couldn’t move. Her hands left where they rested on the sheets and grabbed fist fulls of golden strands. It was as if that movement alerted me to Eli’s presence. My eyes lowered to gaze upon a field of moonlit alabaster skin and delicate curves. She slid her hands from Nozomi’s waist lifting long legs to wrap over her strong shoulders. Then a hand dipped between them and there was a sound I’ve never heard. A sound that made it feel like a shock of electricity had traveled through me and left a fire in its place.  

Eli said something in Russian, her voice deep and commanding, whatever it was caused Nozomi’s hips to raise off the bed and move her midsection faster and harder. Her heavy chest making noises against her body as she landed on the other girl’s hand. Eli’s head was moving back and forth between cream colored thighs and that noise had slurps and smacks join with it. My legs rubbed together involuntarily, muscles I never knew I had clenched inside me, everything about doing this to friends was wrong. I wanted to stop but I had to know what Nozomi was going to do. Where this went. I had read how girls could feel good with a guy in the period romances Umi let me borrow but that didn’t make me feel anything.

This did.

This was the best thing I had ever seen in my life and I should not of been there. One glance towards the door would ruin all of my friendships. I would have to transfer schools and leave Muse but I couldn’t walk away and not find out. Nozomi’s voice was no longer the delicate low register that couldn’t be heard from the front door. She was loud, louder than the thump of the headboard against the wall, and saying things that made me feel even hotter. Her toes curled and it looked like her grip would hurt Eli but the blond kept going, kept sucking, kept pushing those fingers faster. I don’t know what came over me but in that moment I’d of given anything to be able to see exactly what that mouth and hand were doing.

And then Nozomi did it.

She came.

Her eyes were closed. Her mouth wide and gasping for air between alternating obscenities and declarations for her beloved. As soon as Nozomi’s legs dropped Eli was kissing her way up that erotic body, hand still in place but moving slower, stopping to lick and suck on exposed neck. Nozomi’s head started to tilt forward and I panicked. With more grace than I’ve ever experienced in my life I quickly and silently shuffled away before those eyes opened.  

And then I was home.

Sans scarf.

Burning with something but exactly what, I had no clue. I touched myself for the first time that night.

And almost every night since.

It’s been months now, there’s no need for the full winter uniform just the long sleeve shirt along with the skirt, seasons have changed but my mind has not. And cannot. Every moment I am not focused on a specific task my mind turns back to sharp inhales of breath and an ample heaving chest.

I don’t want this.

Eli is my friend and I don’t want to know how much her beautiful girlfriend loves her or how good she can do whatever it is with her tongue that makes a priestess call on the gods. She is older than me, she is my friend, she is in love and I don’t want her.

I want her.

Nozomi would be hurt to know what I have seen. What I did. What I do when I think about her. Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine those hands grabbing my hair as I drive my fingers deep inside her to that place I discovered after weeks of self exploration. Tasting her as I wrap my mouth around that other delicate spot. Nozomi would be disgusted to know that sometimes I see myself with that expression she wore. Head lulled back, legs in the air, using purple twin tails as reigns to draw that pretty face closer to me. To let her inside of my body, my soul, as I confess undying loyalty and the purest of love.

And the foulest of physical sentiments as I buck against those fine features in my mind. Even if it hurts my wrist it doesn’t matter. I keep going saying every word that will never reach beyond the idol posters on my wall. Curses of pleasure that flow so naturally now, when I had never considered using them before hearing them from her lips. In my mind her hand would snake up to cup my breast and roughly tease my nipple, her name flies off my tongue as I lose it, heaving and squirming.

Every night I go to bed with this shame. Nozomi would be more than disappointed and Eli is so protective she may just kill me for my betrayal. I used to always call for someone to help me but there is no help.

I hate that I am crying.

 

 


	2. Her Desire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I need to touch her.
> 
> I am fixated on it. It’s as if my life is on pause and can’t go forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone that left kudos or comments on this work. I apparently wrote this awhile ago and forgot to post it!
> 
> I love how humans can never really know what the person next to them is truly thinking. Sweet, innocent, in need of help Pana has more going on than one would think. 
> 
> Angsty X rated longing continues.

 

Their relationship is indistinguishable from any other at first glance.

She doesn’t treat Nozomi any more special than Umi treats Kotori. At a glance you can't see any concerning difference between them compared to how Rin and I interact but that's if you aren’t really paying attention. 

However, I am looking every single day. It shows up in mischievous smiles, gazes that linger too long, and if they're alone touches that leave no room for questioning the intent. 

It’s as if I am too ignorant to realize how much this hurts me or too stupid to care. Yet here I am day after day watching them and melting from the heat of their relationship.

I want that. I want her for myself.  

I have no illusion that I will suddenly wake up tall, authoritative, and coordinated. I won't stumble upon a roadmap to her heart or secret diary that would let me know her thoughts and feelings. I’ll never replace the time she’s spent with Elichi. 

I don’t know why this impulse to be with her is in me. I think about that night. I think about her constantly. I can’t explain why a fire burns in my belly when I am alone. Green eyes and purple hair filling my mind and overloading my senses. 

Or why it doesn’t when I think of Eli.  

I saw Eli’s determination to drive a part of herself into that perfect body. To make her love feel the force of her passion. I saw her desire to become part of Nozomi and the spiritual toy witches willing acceptance of all that was offered. 

Eyes closed, throwing her body down on to Eli with no question that she’d be caught, sharing a side of herself that no one else got to see. I try thinking about Eli doing that to me but nothing happens. Nothing stirs inside of me when I think of anyone but Nozomi.

I need to touch her.

I am fixated on it. It’s as if my life is on pause and can’t go forward until I have that look of hers trained on me; burning with desire and something more. 

Half lidded eyes piercing into the core of me. Staring down as I look up from between her thighs. I want to hear those noises and erotic moans directly in my ears as our bodies draw every bit of pleasure the others can provide. I need to hear those filthy pleasure laden words as if I were dying and only they could cure my affliction.

I wonder where her hot blooded words come from. 

Foul words and vivid descriptions of what she wants done to her sound so right coming from that mouth. Maybe the stereotype about country girls is true. 

She’s usually playfully punishing us as a joke but now I know better. Not that I’d mind if she rubbed me but I am unsure if I could handle it. I’d probably need to run away before I embarrassed myself with unseemly noises.

Like I am embarrassing myself now.

A wildly flailing hand in my peripheral vision attracts my attention. The hand was connected to the rest of my best friend Rin, who I have ignored along with the rest of the idol research club for the past quarter hour. 

She looks really concerned. 

I know I have to be bright red with being caught with such immoral thoughts but I smile and giggle through it. Golden eyes are looking at me as if she wants to inquire but there is no truth I can tell.

That has been happening a lot lately.

I apologize to everyone and smile as Rin tells me about the plans that were made while I was lost in thought. I doesn’t really matter to me where we are going to eat. Nozomi and Eli aren’t here for me to surreptitiously gaze at and if it doesn’t concern dealing with them then it doesn’t concern me. 

I fear all of my passion for obsessing over idols has turned me in to this. 

As we walk out of the building I look to the student councils window hoping to catch she and Eli sharing an intimate moment. 

Maybe then my heart would be content and give up hope that she’s looking for me too.

That’s probably wishful thinking.

  
  



End file.
